


A Lover or A Friend?

by alwaysholtzbert



Category: Erin Gilbert - Fandom, Ghostbusters (2016), Jillian Holtzmann - Fandom, holtzbert
Genre: F/F, Holtzbert - Freeform, jillian holtzmann - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:33:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9401888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysholtzbert/pseuds/alwaysholtzbert
Summary: Holtz struggles with her past being brought to the surface once again. But with love and support from those around her, will she make it?





	1. The Call

**Author's Note:**

> We're planning to make this quite a long fic, so stick around for more Holtzbert. Hope you enjoy!

_It began gradually. Every moment building up to form the foundations of a relationship, but this all came crashing down. Everything was dark._

 

Erin walked in, turned on the coffee machine, opened the fridge door, grabbed the carton of milk and huffed at the weight. Empty. She walked up the steps to the second floor. _Holtz's floor._

 

"Holtz did you-" She stopped midsentence, noticing the full glass of milk sitting amidst the various bits and bobs that Holtz had in front of her. "Yes. You did."

 

"Did what, Gilbert?" She looked up and for a moment, Erin froze, instantly forgetting what she came up here for. "Erin?"

 

"Yeah no, um. Right." She finally gathered her thoughts and began to speak again. "You keep leaving empty cartons of milk in the fridge so I can't even have my morning coffee."

 

“Sorry Erin, I guess you could say I’m a..cow.” Erin stood, arms crossed, unamused by the joke as Holtzmann’s smirk faded away.

 

“..Moo?” Erin put her hands on her hips and squinted her eyes. Holtz could tell she was pushing her luck. “Relaaaax. Jeez, remind me never to joke again when there’s coffee involved. I’m sorry! It won’t happen again, promise.”

 

Erin rolled her eyes as she turned and went back downstairs, settling for a coffee with no milk.

 

\--

 

Holtz was on the brink of something. Something good- in fact, better than good. Something brilliant. So brilliant that it could change their ghostbusting ways forever. She fiddled around with different components of her most recent creation, holding them up and comparing before settling on the one that would suit best, applying it to the piece of machinery.

 

Erin was working hard as usual, looking over all of their recent busts in detail and trying to spot any sign of similarities. She had been at it for hours, almost the entire day in fact, apart from when they were called out for a bust. But as soon as she was back and had wiped the ectoplasm off of herself, she got right back to work.

 

"Guys, it’s late so Patty and I are heading home. You coming?" Abby asked, coming upstairs to see both women still hard at work, the clanging of metal and low buzz of Holtzmann's music being the only noise in the entire floor.

 

"Nah not me, I've almost got it Abbs. Don't wanna let these brainwaves disappear, see ya tomorrow." Holtzmann called over, not looking away from her hands and the intricate and precise joining work she was currently doing.

 

"I'm going to stay for a while too." Erin said between mumbling sentences about a class 4 evaporation. Abby shook her head but left without disputing.

 

The pair continued to work silently for a while longer, Holtzmann occasionally singing along with her music or yelling in pain after she jabbed her finger with a sharp piece of metal, again.

 

Erin found herself drifting off every so often, before being woken up by the weight of her body slumping sideward on the booth.

 

"Hey Erin, you like Whitney Houston right? This is one of my favourites- Er?" Holtz put down the screwdriver she had been using as a microphone and walked over to the booth, where Erin was now lying down completely, softly snoring.

 

Holtz stood and looked at her, an unintentional smirk spreading across her face. She walked over to her work bench and picked up the blanket that she kept in case she ever overworked and stayed the night (which was most nights really) and placed it gently over Erin, trying her best not to wake her up. Erin stirred a little at the soft yet accidental touch of Holtzmann's hand against her arm.

 

"Hmm..m..milk. C-coffee..mm."

 

"I can't believe you're still giving me grief about the milk even when you're sleeping, you really do not stop do you? Shhh, it's okay. Go back to sleep Gilbert." she whispered. Erin seemed to unconsciously obey and snuggled into the blanket, sound asleep again within seconds. Stepping back, Holtz looked at her, smiling.

 

"Sweet dreams."

 

\--

 

 

Erin's eyes sprung open, confused and startled by her surroundings. She looked down at the blanket still covering her. It smelt familiar. Comforting.

 

"What time is it??" She looked at her watch. 7:31am.

 

"Oh my goodness, I- I slept here. I fell asleep. Everyone will be here in half an hour!" She lifted the blanket off of her body- she couldn't even remember putting it on last night. Randomly grabbing at pieces of paper, Erin tried to fix them in an orderly fashion, before rushing to the bathroom to sort herself out before the others arrived.

 

She ran downstairs, starting off her usual routine by switching on the coffee machine and heading to the fridge. As she opened the door, she remembered about the empty carton.

 

"Ughhh, I forgot Holt-" but before she could finish complaining, her hand was met with the satisfaction of a full carton of milk. She picked it up and smiled as she peeled off a small note attached to the side.

 

'This should put you in a better moo-d this morning Gilbert. Hope it's the right percent. -H'

 

Her smile only grew bigger with each word, and peaked at '-H'. How could one letter generate an emotion like this? It was stupid, and Erin couldn't explain it...but she liked it. A lot.

 

She poured the milk into her favourite mug and made her long awaited coffee. Somehow, it seemed like the best coffee she had ever made.

 

 

The next few days were extremely quiet, and everyone spent most of the days in their own workspace.

 

“Guys, we got a bust 4 blocks from here so let’s make it quick.” Abby said after conversing with Kevin and finally getting the general location out of him. He really wasn’t much help at all, but he was ‘officially’ part of the original team, so they didn’t want to replace him. Erin and Patty stood up immediately, going over to where their gear was and putting on their jumpsuits. Abby followed, expecting Holtz to be right behind her. The three of them stood, ready to go, but Holtz hadn’t moved.

 

“Holtz? Holtzy? Didn’t you hear Abby? We gotta go!” Patty shouted to her, but she stared into the distance.

 

Abby approached her slowly, worried that she had been possessed. She stood at the side of the work table, carefully waving her hand in front of Holtzmann’s face. Suddenly, she snapped out of whatever trance she had fallen into and her eyes darted up to look at Abby.

 

“You okay?” Abby asked, and Holtz stretched her eyes open wide before letting them fall back down, still focussed on Abby.

 

“Yeah- Yeah sorry, just dreamin’ about spare parts. Are you okay?” she responded, still looking dazed.

 

“Yeah...C’mon, we’ve got work to do.” Abby nodded towards the others who were currently standing a few metres away with their packs on. Holtz stood up and walked over to where her stuff was hanging up, gently rubbing her eyes with her hands. The other three exchanged a confused look, but Patty shrugged it off, and they waited on Holtz before heading out to the Ecto-1.

 

“You want me to drive baby? You look tired.” Patty whispered to Holtzmann as they walked outside, but Holtz looked almost offended by the suggestion.

 

“No Patty I’m fine!” She realised this may have sounded a little snappy. “Sorry. But I’m alright, thank you.”

 

Patty nodded, unconvinced, but got into the passenger seat anyway.

 

 

\--

 

The rest of the day was peaceful. The sun was shining through the windows and onto Holtz as she silently worked on the second floor. Erin had gone back downstairs to work on expenses with Abby. Meanwhile Patty was in the corner reading a book comfortably on the couch.

 

"Abby?" Erin whispered.

 

"Mmm," Abby replied.

 

"Do you- Have you noticed Holtz acting a little...off lately?" Erin asked.

 

"She zones out sometimes but I don't really think much of it. It's just Holtz y'know?"

 

"Yeah, but her eyes were a bit red the other day, and she hasn't said much today at all. And you saw her earlier before the bust."

 

"She hasn't even flirted with you?" Abby looked up, quite surprised.

 

"Nope, and I kind of miss it," she breathed.

 

\--

“Maaaan, we need a break.” Patty sighed as they all gathered in the firehouse after a busy day of busting. Abby and Erin were practically holding each other up, and Holtzmann couldn’t wait to get the heavy pack off of her back. She really ought to make them lighter.

 

“Why don’t we go out tonight? To Leo’s?” Abby suggested, and the others just looked at her. “We haven’t been in ages guys, c’mon. Patty, you said yourself we’re in need of a break!” Patty nodded her head in agreement.

“Okay I’m in.”

“Fiiine” huffed Erin, whilst slumping down on the sofa and throwing her feet dramatically up on the table.

“I’m in too!” Kevin appeared from out of nowhere. “So, what’s Leo’s?” he whispered to Patty. She rolled her eyes and sighed before filling him in, despite the fact that he had went with them countless times before.

“Holtz?” Abby looked over at Holtz, who was silently taking her gear off.

 

“Sorry, what?” she asked, zoning out yet again.

“We’re going to Leo’s.” Abby stated. She wasn’t giving her an option.

“Thanks for the offer but I should probably just-“

“No, Holtzy. You spend too much time here, you’re coming with us. So get off of planet coo-coo and get your clothes on.” Patty looked at Holtzmann, who stared back not saying a word. Finally, she smirked, before agreeing.

“Fine, give me ten minutes.” She ran off to grab some spare clothes sitting next to her desk. The others got changed quickly too, and within half an hour, they were sitting at their usual table in Leo’s bar.

 

“I’ve got the first round!” Abby announced, walking up to the bar and greeting the familiar face of Leo himself behind the bar. She came back a few moments later carrying a tray laden with drinks and shots.

“What? They were on the house!” she chuckled, the others staring at the large capacity of drinks ready to be consumed.

“Well...Here we go I guess.” Erin didn’t sound very sure, but was first to pick up a shot regardless. The others followed and before they knew it, the tray was empty. And refilled. And empty. And refilled.

 

Erin hit a stage of realisation where she was sure that this was a bad idea. But Holtz had come out of her shell again and was acting more normal again (or as normal as Holtz could be), so it was good to have her back. She didn’t want to ruin the night, she had missed this. She had missed Holtz.

“I like seeing two of you.” Holtz mumbled, her facial expressions proving that it was a task to keep her eyes open fully. “Cmon Gil..Gi..ilbert. D-don’t give up now,” she urged, passing over yet another tequila shot. Erin reluctantly took it and drank, spilling the majority of the contents down her top. Holtz downed hers effortlessly, before trying to focus her eyesight. Everything was blurry, but somehow she still managed to see Erin so clearly. Erin looked back at her, the exact same thoughts running through her mind. But this..This couldn’t happen.

 

“Sorry, I have to go t..to the bathroom.” Erin stood up, stumbling at first, before walking slowly to try and find where the bathroom was located. After what seemed to her like an hour but was actually only a couple of minutes, she found herself falling into a cubicle and fumbling with the lock on the door. She stood there, trying to catch her breath. This feeling was new to her. First of all, she’d never gotten this drunk before. And then there was Holtz. She was unsure if the gurgling feeling in her stomach was butterflies or just the tequila, or a mixture of both. But there was definitely something there, and it scared her.

 

“Hey, Er, you in here?” Erin gasped as Holtz’ calming voice interrupted her thoughts. Even with her words slurring together and the occasional outburst of giggling, her voice had an effect on Erin like no other sound ever had. She remained quiet for a few moments, facing away from the door and taking deep breaths.

“Yeah, just comi-“

 

“Hello.” Erin jumped as she felt Holtzmann’s breath on the back of her neck. Turning round in one swift movement- which she soon regretted-she was soon only a few inches from Holtzmann’s face.

“HOLTZ! W..what are you d-doing in here?” The combination of intoxication and shock was making it difficult for her to get the words out.

 

They had always made eye contact before. Quick glances up as Holtz worked, and Erin read. Then the glances grew into smiles. They had always made eye contact before. But nothing like this.

This was different. It was...more. It meant more, to both of them. They stood facing each other.  Holtz couldn’t even remember how she got there, it's still a blur. But what she sees in front of her is still so clear.

Thoughts were racing round Holtzmann’s mind.

‘She was so beautiful in this moment. Not that she isn't in any other, but this moment is special.

Her eyes are so bright. I could stare at them all day.’

 

Erin lifted her hand, and as it got closer to Holtzmann’s face, she closed her eyes.

Erin’s thumb grazed Holtz’s cheek, before her fingers tucked a blonde curl of hair behind her ear. Before Holtz could open her eyes again, she felt a touch on her lips. It wasn't lips, she knew that. It was her other hand, her other thumb.

 

Her hands then found their way to the back of Holtz’s neck. She pulled her in. Holtz let her.

 

Holtz always thought that she would make the first move. Turns out, she was wrong.

 

Erin bit her lip. “We should get back,” she said, her arm still on Holtz’s waist.

Holtz moved her arm and linked it with Erin’s and smiled.

“Let’s.”

 

They went back and joined the others.

 

“Look who I found!” she announced.

 

“ERIN!” Abby yelled, holding her glass up, almost spilling the whole shot on the table in front of her. “Let’s do more shots!” she said, dragging out the s.

 

An hour later, the bartender called a cab and they were dropped off at the firehouse, where they all found a place to sleep.

 

\--

 

Erin woke up with a headache. A bad one. She could barely move, but forced herself to get up to go and get water and pain killers. Noticing that the others were still asleep, she crept through to the kitchen and poured herself some water, taking the pills. She sat at the table, her head in her hands, trying her best to remember what she could of last night. There was one thing she certainly remembered, and she was hoping it wouldn’t make today awkward.

 

“Do you feel as bad as I look?” Erin turned around to see Holtz walking towards her, her clothes from last night absolutely covered in drink stains and who knows what else. Her hair had fallen out and was sticking up, but she somehow suited it. She rubbed her eyes, mascara staining underneath, but she didn’t care. She found it amusing, actually. Holtz reached out for the pain killers and lifted Erin’s glass, taking a drink and swallowing both at once. Erin looked at her.

 

“What? Sharing is caring, right Er?” she smirked and winked, before walking to the fridge to see what food there was to devour.

Erin panicked. She knew it was stupid, after all it was just sharing a glass of water, but it panicked her. Holtz was acting as if nothing was wrong, as if last night...hadn’t happened. Maybe that’s what she wanted. Maybe it shouldn’t have happened. Erin convinced herself that this was true, and so decided it was best to clear the air with Holtz before they spent the rest of the day together.

 

“Hey, Holtz.” she surprised herself, not expecting to have the guts to start the conversation right away. Usually she dwelled on things, perhaps for too long.

 

“Ya?” Holtz didn’t look round, but instead continued to pile up random ingredients from the fridge in her arms.

 

“About last night. I'm sorry, I- um...that wasn't supposed to happen." In that moment, Holtz felt her heart sink. She remained staring into the fridge, accidentally dropping a few ingredients, as she replayed the words over and over again in her head. It wasn’t supposed to happen.

 

 A deafening silence filled the air.

 

"I didn't mean that it-“

 

"No, I get it. Consider it forgotten." Holtz carelessly put the ingredients back in the fridge. She made sure not to turn and face Erin on her way out of the room.

“I need some fresh air.” And with that, she left Erin sitting alone with only her own thoughts and regrets.

 

“You always know just what to say, Erin.” she sighed, throwing her head back into her hands. “Good job.”

 

\--

 

Holtz looked down at her watch. _23:58_. She took a deep breath, twirling her pen between her fingers skilfully but effortlessly. Everyone else had gone home hours ago, but she had stayed here to work. Or just to think, rather. She looked down at the book in front of her, the page still blank. _23:59_. She shifted her eyes and looked at her surroundings, taking in what she could. This was what she’d earned, this was her life now. A framed photo of the team sat on the desk where Holtz was sitting. She picked it up and smiled, looking at them all hugged in together, laughing as always. ‘I am so lucky’ she thought to herself, placing the photo back down.

 

 _00:00_.

 

Holtz stared out of the window at the dark sky, the only source of light being the stars in the sky. The only source. Holtzmann’s eyes scanned the skyline until she found it, the brightest one. The brightest star in the sky.

 

“I miss you, mom.” she whispered, her voice breaking. Tears began to fall from her eyes onto her lap, as she continued to look at the star. In fact, she stared for hours.

 

\--

 

_“..6,7,8,9,10! HERE I COME, READY OR NOT!”_

_‘Shhh.’ Sophia signalled to Jillian, who nodded and mimicked the action by placing her finger over her lips._

_“Hmmmm, where could they have gone? Maybe I’ll just have dinner all to myself tonight...” The voice grew nearer. Both girls covered their mouths in a desperate attempt to contain their giggling, but it was no use. They erupted into fits of laughter, collapsing onto the floor._

_“Well, that was easy!” She came into view, laughing along with the girls who were now rolling around on the floor. Her eyes were a piercing bright blue, her shoulder-length fair hair shaped neatly around her face, emphasising her features. As she laughed, a dimple formed on each cheek._

_“Again!!” screamed Jillian, as Sophia clapped in encouragement. They both stood up and ran in the opposite direction._

_“Okay sweethearts, one more and then its dinner time!” She watched as they ran along holding hands, still laughing. It was so easy to make them smile. Her heart was warm, so full of love it was practically bursting._

_“1, 2, 3...”_

 

\--

 

 _02:41_. Holtzmann tore her eyes away from the star as they began to sting, causing her to close them for a couple of minutes. With her eyes closed, she imagined what her life would be like if her mother was here with her. She pushed the thought from her mind and opened her eyes once again, forcing herself into reality. After gathering her thoughts, Holtz swung round on her chair to face the desk. She picked up the pen that had absentmindedly dropped on the floor at some point during the night, and began to write.

 

 

‘Another year has passed since you've been gone. People said it would get easier and it did, for a little while, but that didn't last long. Whenever it gets close to this day I always dream about you. I hope that you would be proud of me. I saved New York Mom. I did it. But not without Abby and Patty and Erin. Erin. Mom, I think she's the one. I think I love her. She's so incredible. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't by my side. She-‘

 

 

The ringing phone distracts her from writing, the pen sliding slightly off the page, creating a line off the side of the page. Unknown number. It was 6am she didn't expect anyone to be calling now, but she answered, clearing her throat beforehand.

 

"...Hello?" She croaked.

 

"Jill?" Her voice. It was her. The person who hadn't spoke to her in over 10 years.

 

"Sophia," she breathed. "Why are you calling?"

 

At this point Holtz had lost all feeling in her entire body. So many emotions were flowing through her. Anger, sadness, guilt...

 

"I want to see you. I think we need to talk abo-"

 

Holtz's finger lightly tapped the red phone button. Part of her didn't want to talk, and another part of her just wanted to hug her sister again. The one thing Holtz did know for sure was that she wasn't ready for any of this. Not today. So, knowing that everyone would be arriving for work soon, she went to the bathroom and tried to calm down. But in fact, she did the exact opposite.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann struggles to cope with the resemblance of her past self and opens up to Erin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry we took so long to update but we've both been busy! This chapter took a whiiiiile so we hope you enjoy it.

“It’s not like her to be late. Usually she’s first here, or just sleeps here.” 

“Have you checked upstairs?” Abby asked, and Patty nodded.

“Hmmm.” Abby checked her phone to see if there were any missed calls or messages, but there was nothing. 

“Good morning!” Erin strode in carrying the morning coffees, as bubbly as ever. She was such a morning person. 

“Hey, you haven’t heard from Holtzy have you? She’s late.”

“No I haven’t. That’s strange.” Erin looked as confused as the other two. Erin went through the back to file away some paperwork that she had finished at home in the early hours of the morning. She was putting the last pile away when she heard some noise from the bathroom. Stopping in her tracks, she put the paper down and walked towards the door, gently knocking it and pressing her ear against the wood. She could hear noises.

“Not a ghost in the bathroom again, jeeez.” Erin turned around to call on the others and grab her proton pack when she heard a weak but familiar voice.

“Er-”

Holtz started breathing rapidly, unable to focus on anything. But then Erin's voice becomes clearer.

"Holtz?" 

Holtz sat quietly, trying to stay calm as Erin’s voice pulsated through her ears. Her unexpected breakdown was embarrassing enough, never mind pairing it with the rejection she faced from Erin a while back.

"Holtzmann." she said, now standing behind Holtz. She bent down and touched her shoulder. "Jillian." 

Holtz turned around. The tears streaming down her red cheeks made Erin's heart ache. 

"Look at me. Breathe with me, okay." She held Holtz's hands. "It’s okay. Just breathe."

Erin slumped herself down on the bathroom floor beside Holtz, still holding gently onto her hands. 

Holtz tried her best to compose herself but it was proving difficult. The touch of Erin's hands on hers only made her heart race faster. Confusion merged with her current feelings of distress and heartache, forming a whirlpool of emotions inside her brain which made it hard to focus on anything but the severe pain she was feeling.

"Holtz? Talk to me. It's okay." Erin squeezed her hands tighter whilst looking deeply into her eyes. Her own eyes were full of hurt and desperation to find out what was wrong. 

Holtz took some deep breaths and broke her hands away from Erin's to wipe away the puddle of tears that had been collecting over the past few moments. Her eyes were closed, lips pressed together. She looked broken.

"Why today of all days? She knows how hard the last 18 years have been for me, and she chose today. It's just so typical-" Holtz managed to get these words out before bursting into tears again, her teeth clenched.

Erin, regardless of the fact that she was still completely clueless of who and what she was talking about, grabbed onto Holtz and pulled her in close. She muttered the word 'shh' a few times, holding onto her tightly, as Holtzmann shook in distress. 

"Just tell me when you're ready, and whatever it is, we're going to work through it okay? I'm here, I'm here." Erin's voice was weak as she tried to hold back the tears. After all, her getting upset would only make the situation worse. But it was so hard. So hard to see someone she loved so much, hurting. 

After around 20 minutes of silence, only ever broken by Holtzmann's cries and a few of Erin's comforting words, Holtz pulled herself away from Erin's body and sat up straight. Her face was flushed, eyes bloodshot and mascara smudged.

\-----

_ Looking in the mirror, she barely recognised the person staring back at her. She could only look for a few more seconds before having to pull her eyes away, looking down at the ground. She had a feeling that she would find herself in this position often. That the ground is what she would be looking at for a long time to come. Her head should be hung low. Maybe that would help her to keep out of the way, and stop people from taking notice of her. From bothering her. _

_ “Pull yourself together Jillian.” she muttered, voice low and raspy. Wiping the mascara that was smeared around her eyes with her sleeve, she took a few deep breaths. A gentle knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, but she knew exactly who it was. _

_ “Jillian, can I come in?”  _

_ Holtz sniffled, trying her best to quickly wipe off the remainder of her smudged makeup, trying to make herself look presentable. Her attempt was practically useless, and before she got the chance to answer, she felt her mom’s hand on her shoulder.  _

_ “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” But she knew exactly what it was. This happened too often for her to forget.  _

_ Jillian didn’t even have to say anything; her facial expression said it all. Her mom pulled her into a hug, trying her best to comfort her daughter. _

_ “Oh honey, they don’t know you like I do. By the sounds of it, they don’t deserve to.” _

_ “But mom, they laughed at me. All of them.” Holtzmann pulled away from the hug, avoiding all eye contact with her mom, who was desperately trying not to look distraught at her daughter’s heartache.  _

_ “Jill. Sadly, not everyone in this world is as wonderful as you. Some people, for a reason that I will never understand, think that it’s okay to pick on other people for their own enjoyment.” Jillian breathed in sharply, thinking back to what her life had been like over the past few months. Her mother placed a hand on her shoulder again, before continuing. “The fact that you know that this is not okay already proves that you are a good person. The reason they’re trying to take away your confidence is that they can see your potential and they’re trying to stop you from outdoing them and reaching it. But you have to remember, my sweet girl, when they go low, you go high. Prove them wrong.” _

_ Despite the fact that all Holtz wanted to do right now was grab onto her mom, hug her tight as she cried and never let her go, she had to stop this. She had to stop being so attached to other people, relying on them, getting upset too easily over them. Over everything. It had to stop. It was so embarrassing- why was she so weak? So, she tucked her blonde curls behind her ears, gently hugged her mother and thanked her,  leaving the room before her mom got the chance to say anything else.  _

\-----

"I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing-" Holtz snapped herself out of a trance, but didn’t dare to look at herself in a reflective surface. She was scared.

"Don't worry about it, I just want to help you." Holtz forced a smile, but Erin couldn't focus on anything other than the pain she could see in her eyes. This wasn't good.

"Today is the anniversary of my mother passing. 18 years." Holtz stopped to take a breath as Erin continued to stare at her. 

"And my sister, who I haven't spoken to for 10 years, decided today was the best day to contact me to tell me that she wanted to fix things between us. Today." Her breath hitched. "She knows how much I struggle with-" Holtzmann's eyebrows furrowed as she scrunched her face in frustration. 

"Stop CRYING HOLTZ" she turned her head away from Erin before burying it in her hands, the tone of her voice emphasising her desperation and distress. Erin placed her hand on Holtzmann's shoulder and things were silent again for a few moments as Erin gathered her thoughts and tried to think of the best thing to say. This was so unexpected- she didn't even know she had a sister, let alone that other family issues existed. Now that Erin thought about it, Holtz had never spoken about her family before. 

"Holtz I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for you, but me and the girls are here for support. You don't have to be pressured into talking to your sister just now if that's not what you want. You have to focus on you." Holtz still hadn't brought her head out of her hands, but Erin noticed her shoulders moving up and down, which meant that she was in tears again. 

"I-  _ We _ love you." Erin's voice changed. It got stronger, the words more defined. Holtz looked up and met Erin's eyes, waiting for her to falter or look away. But she didn't. She kept her focus on Holtz, barely blinking. 

"I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?" 

Erin stood up, looked at Holtz for a few seconds, and then turned to walk out the door to go and fill in Abby and Patty about what was happening.

"Erin. Thank you, and I love you too." Holtz sniffled, causing Erin to turn round and give her a soft smile before closing the door behind her.

"More than you'll ever know."

\-----

Erin only managed to get round the corner before she found herself slumped against the wall in floods of tears. 

“Erin? Erin is that you?” Despite trying to contain her sobs, Abby had heard Erin and came quickly to find her best friend lying in a heap, crying uncontrollably. 

“Erin are you hurt?!” She shook her head, unable to form words. Abby knelt down and put her hand on Erin’s arm, desperately trying to figure out what was going on.  This didn’t look like the sort of crying that would occur after facing a ghost in the bathroom or something like that. After all, Abby would know. 

“Honey, what’s wrong? C’mon I’m worried.” Abby looked genuinely scared. She’d never seen Erin this upset since the whole ghost girl fiasco. 

“It’s Holtz.” she managed to get out, before taking a few jumpy breaths. Abby’s eyes widened, as her brain cycled through the horrible scenarios of why Holtz hadn’t turned up for work, and why Erin was so upset that she couldn’t even speak about it.   

“Oh my god, she’s not hurt is she? Is it-“

“No.” Erin let out a deep sigh. “Well, not physically. But she’s a mess Abby; I’ve never seen her like this before. She won’t stop crying and when she eventually did and told me what was wrong-” Erin paused again. “I tried to hold the tears in but- I..I just can’t anymore. She’s so heartbroken.” Erin bit her bottom lip and squeezed her eyes shut in attempt to stop the tears. You’d think it was her past that she was getting upset about. But, it was the look on Holtz’s face. She just couldn’t get it out of her head. All she wanted was to be able to help, to take all the pain away.

  
“I’m gonna go speak to her-“ Abby began to push herself up but Erin grabbed onto her arm, pulling her back down.

“No, please. Let me do this.” Erin looked at Abby, who nodded, before standing up and helping Erin do the same. 

“Fill us in as soon as you can, yeah?” Abby said gently, still holding onto Erin’s arm. Erin nodded, before walking back towards the bathroom. She paused for a few seconds before going in, her trembling hand hovering over the handle. 

Erin's hand gripped onto the handle, the metal clinking slightly. She heard Holtzmann sniff, and then she opened the door. 

"Hi," Holtz whispered.

"Let's get you up, wash your face and have something to eat. You can tell me the rest when you're ready." Erin bent down. "Yeah?"

Holtz nodded, her eyes still foggy with tears. 

Erin helped her up as Holtz steadied herself on the bathroom counter top. 

"It's okay, I've got you." Erin whispered. "I've got you."

\-----   
  
Abby watched Erin walk away, and made sure that she was out of sight before placing her hands over her face and sighing deeply. She knew that something wasn’t quite right with Holtz, but she didn’t realise it was this serious. Sometimes it was hard to tell with Holtz, because of that crazy and powerful mind of hers. Unable to stop herself from feeling like she had let her friend down, Abby paced the room for a while, wishing she was able to do something. She found herself slumping on a chair, resting her face in her left hand, elbow propping her up on Holtz’s desk. She sighed again. If there was one thing other than the existence of the paranormal that Abby felt confident in, it was her ability to be a good friend. But this time, she seemed to have failed. 

Picking up a pen that was lying near her right hand, she began to draw random swirls on scrap pieces of paper, her mind elsewhere. With her free hand, she picked up a small, simple metal structure that was lying on Holtz’s desk. Holtz always took it with her on every bust for some reason; Abby assumes that it’s just something to fiddle around with whilst they’re waiting, a bit like a Rubix cube, as she always sees it in Holtz’s firm grip, the figure spinning around in her hand much like it was right now in Abby’s. She never intentionally shows it to anyone. After all, it’s not much to show off, compared to what Holtz usually invents. Abby’s thoughts drifted from the piece of metal back to Holtz, her pen still swirling all over the paper. All she wanted to do was get up and go to the bathroom and wrap Holtzmann in a tight hug and never let go. But she couldn’t- she knew that Erin wanted to do it, and she was capable of dealing with this. She had to take a step back this time.

Something caught Abby’s eye, distorting her thoughts for a moment. It was a book- she recognised it. She remembered seeing Holtz put it in her desk drawer the day they had moved to the firehouse. But she hadn’t seen it since then. She figured it was just one of Holtzmann’s sketchbooks for inventions, so picked it up to have a look.

“What have you got for us next Holtzy?” she said under her breath, excited to see what genius inventions Holtz was creating. But what she found was unexpected. It was pages and pages of writing- all Holtz’s- but nothing else. No little drawings, no arrows with comments, nothing.

She read the date and the first sentence. 

‘I really miss you mom.’ 

Abby rubbed her thumb over the page and sighed before closing the book, now realising what it was. She sat in silence for a few moments, staring at it, the words from the page rolling around in her mind. Abby began to connect this to why Holtz had been acting more strange than usual, and why she was currently in the toilet having a breakdown. Everything began to make sense. 

\-----

  
_ She felt nothing and everything all at once. Her body ached, but was also numb.  _

_ “Sophia? Soph? What’s wrong with mom?” _ _   
_ _ “Jill, wait here.” Sophia spoke softly to her younger sister, gently pressing an uninjured hand across Jillian’s body to stop her from walking towards the group of nurses who had gathered nearby to urge Sophia to allow a doctor to examine her immediately, but she had refused. Sophia limped towards them and Jillian watched as she nodded at what they were saying, before placing her hands- one lined with sustained injuries- over her own face, a nurse offering comfort by patting her back. Jillian knew it wasn’t good news. She didn’t know what to do with herself, so she stood there and watched her sister break down, her entire being completely frozen on the spot. Sophia came over and pulled Jillian into a tight hug, her sobs echoing in Jillian’s ears. But Jill didn’t cry. She didn’t make a sound. She just closed her eyes, imagining that the past 6 hours hadn’t happened. This couldn’t be real.  _

_ “It’s gonna be okay J. We have each other.” Sophia tried to speak confidently to reassure her sister that she was in safe hands, but to be truthful, she really didn’t know what was going to happen- she wasn’t prepared for what was next.  _

\-----   
  


Erin’s mouth was dry, bottom lip quivering. She really had never seen this side of Holtz before; she was like a completely different person. The usual charm that oozed effortlessly from her body was replaced with sensitivity and fear, and Erin was unsure of how to handle it. She reached out a hand and placed it on Holtz’s knee, causing Holtzmann’s breath to hitch. 

“She never kept her word, y’know.” Holtz unconnected her hands and unknowingly placed one on top of Erin’s as she spoke. 

  
“My sister was the only person besides my mother that accepted who I was. She was always there for me until..." Holtz's sighs, remembering her past.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it if you don't-"

"I know i don't have to." Holtz looked up at Erin. "I need someone to understand."

\------

_ The day was like any other. Nothing special, the weekly school run. A truck came out of nowhere. They hit a patch of ice, and swerved into a tree, the car wrapping itself around the trunk. Holtz's mother got the worst of it, suffering a traumatic brain injury causing her to die on impact. The taxi driver broke his left leg and pelvis. Sophia staved her ankle (which was later discovered to be a cracked bone) and was covered in lacerations and bruises. Jillian a young child, the tender age of 12, had cuts and bruises to her face and arms. Her mental scarring was much worse than her physical. She witnessed the whole event. The screams of her mother and sister echoed in her head. She was mad, for years, at her father, resented him because she was convinced he killed her mother. If he hadn’t abandoned them years before, they probably wouldn’t have been in that taxi on that day. Two years before the crash, he just packed up his belongings and left their mother to fend for the girls. Jillian blamed herself for him abandoning their family. She wasn’t sure exactly why, but whenever she thought about it-which was a lot- she always felt to blame. Maybe if she hadn’t demanded so much attention from her parents or been such a strange child, he wouldn’t have left them. Jillian struggled to come to terms with it.  Sophia was forced to grow up faster. Their mom gave them a good life- she’d give them both a treat before she’d give herself the basic necessities. She always put her girls before herself. But in one swift moment, she was taken away from them forever. _

_ After the hospital tried countless times to contact their dad, or any other known family members, they were forced to settle for the inevitable. Child Protective Services came to take them away, telling them to pack a bag, and not to worry. Of course they were going to worry. Jillian clung to Sophia. Hand in hand, they walked up to the foster home that they ended up staying in for 3 months.  _

_ Once Sophia turned 18, she got a job. She worked whenever she could. Jillian missed her sister. She missed the life they used to live. _

_ They moved foster homes a few more times before they met The Smiths. They were a nice family, certainly the nicest they'd had. The family decided to adopt them, which was hard for Jillian to accept, seeing as though she had never felt wanted by anyone for years.  _

_ Sophia met someone a week after her 19th birthday. Shortly after, she moved out, but Jillian stayed with The Smiths. _

_ \----- _

“It was hard to see her go, y’know?” Holtz smiled weakly. “It took me years to get over the fact that she left me for that-” She scoffs. “It’s fine, I’m sorry for going on and on like this.” She wiped her eyes.

“It’s okay, Holtz. You can talk if you want to.”

Holtz didn’t respond. 

Erin frowned. “Look,” she moved slightly, turning her back up against the bathtub. “I’m here to listen if you need someone to hear you. I’m here to give you advice, anything you need. I know it’s been a little awkward since  _ that night _ ..” Erin paused. “but Hol- Jillian, I need you to know that I’m here for you day or night, whatever happens.” Holtz felt a strange feeling inside of her, one that she hadn’t felt in a long while. The feeling of being cared about. She knew that she could trust Erin. 

“Not only had I lost my father, then my mother,” she breathed heavily, “but they took my sister away from me too. That’s when I decided that the world really had it in for me, that maybe I’d done something to deserve all of this-“

“No. None of that was your fault.” Erin let Holtz’s fingers fall between her own, sending shivers down her spine which she quickly tried to tame. Their fingers fit perfectly, like the cheesy cliché that Erin had always hoped for. Her eyes were still fixed on Holtz’s face, picking apart her features. She watched as little lines formed at the side of her mouth when she frowned, her plump bottom lip tucked in slightly as her teeth gripped onto it. Her blue eyes, still staring down at her hand that now fidgeted with the buttons on her waistcoat, were glistening more than usual, tears lining the bottom lids. But Erin could tell that she was determined not to cry again. She watched as she breathed in sharply, before continuing to speak. 

“She did come back for me, when she could. But so much had changed.” Holtz sighed, her small physique slumping with emotional exhaustion. “Not all for the worst, I guess.” A smile crept across her pale face, bringing the smallest hint of rosiness to her cheeks.   
  
\-----

_ “Charlotte, this is your Auntie Jill. She’s coming to live with us now.” The little girl hid behind Sophia, using both of her tiny hands to grab onto her mom’s tightly, her blonde hair falling over her eyes.  _

_ “Hey sweetie,” Jillian squatted to be at her level, holding her hand out, “it’s so great to finally meet you.” Charlotte was hesitant, slowly making her way around her mother’s body. Eventually, she was facing Jillian, and reached her hand out tentatively. Jillian pulled her own hand up and pressed her thumb against her nose, wiggling her fingers and sticking her tongue out, resulting in Charlotte smirking before bursting into a fit of laughter. Sophia smiled, her heart warm, and watched as Charlotte took Jillian’s hand and dragged her through to look at the drawings she had just completed, without giving her a moment to put down her bags. _

_ “Looks like we’ve got ourselves our own Picasso.” Jillian shouted through to Sophia as she picked up one of the drawings, waving it in the air as Sophia stuck her thumbs up at Charlotte. “Good job kiddo!” She patted Charlotte’s head before slipping her backpack off of her shoulders and taking out her own sketch pad to let Charlotte see. _

_ “Only one bag?” Sophia asked, walking through and handing a blue towel to Jillian. _

_ “Yeah, I don’t need much.”  _

_ \---- _ __   
__   
“And that was that. Things were good for a while, great actually. We were in a comfortable position in life- I mean I didn’t really ask for much, but Sophia and Marcus provided for me. And they took good care of Charlie-“

“Charlie?”

“Oh. Yeah, that was my nickname for Charlotte. No one else was allowed to call her it but me.” Holtz smiled, thinking back to when her niece stated this when her mom had tried to call her Charlie once. “I miss her.” 

_ “I think mine is the best. What do you think?” Jillian tapped Sophia, before standing above her extremely detailed sandcastle and moving her arms around in different directions to draw attention to it, as if she was in one of those somewhat irritating commercials where they were trying really hard to sell you a ‘magical’ pan. Her movements were extremely over-exaggerated, resulting in an eye roll from her older sister and a shake of the head.  _

_ “No Auntie Jilly!! Mine is much better!” Charlotte shouted, ensuring not to knock down her much smaller and less detailed sandcastle, jumping up to imitate what Jillian had done with her arms but in a much more frantic manner. All three of them laughed hysterically, as Jillian picked up her niece, pulling her into a tight hug. _

_ “You’re right, you’re right, little one. Yours is in fact the best.” Jillian gently placed Charlotte down before shrugging in defeat. Charlotte jumped up and down, small pieces of sand flicking up from under her feet and landing on Jillian. But she didn’t care. She watched her niece smile, and felt her heart fill with warmth. That was the kind of happy that this kid deserved. Always. _

\-----

  
“For the first time in a long while, I felt happy. But it didn’t last long.” Holtz frowned. “Some stuff started to happen- Marcus, his true colours,” Holtz’s frown turned into a scowl as the anger stopped her from finishing the sentence. “And it changed me.”

\-----

_ “Seriously, Soph? You’re just gonna let him do that?”  _

_ “Jill. I have to, just forget about it okay?” _

_ “Forget about it? Sophia this isn’t the first time he’s done this, and it’s not going to be the last, c’mon you know that! You’re worth so much more than this-“ _

_ “Jillian. I told you, forget about it. Have a good day at school, I’ll see you tonight.” Sophia shut the door without saying another word, leaving Jillian standing alone in the hall feeling defeated.  _

_ “Yeah, see ya.” She muttered under her breath, following this with an extremely dramatic sigh, the air she was exhaling causing some of her loose blonde curls to be blown up in the air for a second or two. They fell back down, lying almost perfectly on her forehead again without any effort. Jillian scuffed her feet along the floor as she made her way to the livingroom and sat down on the sofa, turning on the TV, grabbing her sketchbook and a pencil. But she couldn’t focus. She doodled lackadaisically on the pages, her drawings running the usual theme of obscure weaponry and machinery that she was sure would change the world one day. A familiar theme song caught her attention, causing her to look up from her sketches for a moment, a smirk forming.  _

_ “Ha. Ghost Hunters. My favourite waste of time.” She scoffed, shaking her head at the ridiculous reactions of people who had apparently ‘seen’ the paranormal. As if that even existed. _

_ \----- _

“You mean-”

“Yes Er, I doubted the existence of the paranormal. But I think we can safely say that things have changed, huh?” Holtz joked.

\-----

_ She glanced at her watch even though she already knew what time it was, since this was her routine almost every day now. _

_ “9:15. Damn, too late for school again. Oh well.”  Jillian refocused her attention on her sketch book again, tuning in and out of the TV show to offer a sarcastic comment or two.  _

_ The sound of the door slamming caused Jillian to wake up from her nap and jerk up straight in her seat.  _

_ “Oh god.” she muttered, knowing just what to expect. _

_ Marcus stumbled in, his body bouncing off of each wall as he walked forward, the stench of booze wafting through the house already. _

_ “Really? It’s eleven o’clock in the morning.” Jillian looked at him, disgusted, but he shrugged it off and told her to shut up. Before she got the chance to hit back at him with an insulting comment, two little arms wrapped themselves around her neck and a small body sat comfortably in her lap.  _

_ “Ahh, who do we have here?” Jillian said in a silly voice, closing her eyes and pretending she didn’t know exactly who was smothering her with love right now. _

_ “It’s me Auntie Jilly!!” Charlotte roared with laughter, placing a hand on Jillian’s cheek as she sprung her eyes open wide, mouth in the shape of an ‘O’. Charlotte giggled, resulting in Jillian’s eruption of laughter as she squeezed her niece into a tight hug. She stood up, still hugging onto her as Charlotte shouted through her laughter. _

_ “Don’t squeeze me too tight auntie Jilly, or I’m gonna-“ _

_ “EXPLOOOODE!” Jillian held onto Charlotte and swung her round and round in circles, the two of them laughing hysterically.  _

_ “Keep it down.” Marcus grunted, still fumbling around looking for the TV remote. After a few moments he found it- approximately 2 inches away from where his hand had always been resting. “What are you doing here today anyway?” he mumbled, flicking through the channels, his eyes squinting in attempt to make the TV screen clearer.  _

_ “Wow, you actually know which day it is.” Jillian said under her breath, the majority of her attention still on Charlotte. He didn’t hear, and Jillian was sort of glad.  _

_ “It’s just me, I forgot m- Jill? What are you doing here?” Sophia’s voice rang through Jillian’s ears, like a warning call.  _

_ Shit. Busted.  _

_ “I told you, this was your last warning Jill.” Sophia was trying to keep her voice calm and low for the sake of Charlotte, but it was obvious from her facial expression that she was the opposite of calm right now.  _

_ “I know, but I-“ _

_ “No, Jillian. No more buts. No more excuses. You seem to be full of them these days, what has happened to you?” _

_ “I’m not the only one who has changed Sophia. What happened to you being the strong one? What happened to us sticking together?” Unbeknown to the two sisters, Charlotte had stopped playing with her toys and was staring at her mother and aunt, whose voices had gotten unintentionally louder and more raw.  _

_ “It’s okay baby, go play with daddy.” Sophia whispered, patting her back. “I just need to talk to Auntie Jill.” Charlotte didn’t move.  _

_ “Sweetheart, it’s okay. Go.” Jill reassured Charlie, gently stroking her cheek with her finger before helping her up and watching as she tentatively walked towards her drunken father. Jillian didn’t let her out of her sight, even during the heated discussion with her sister.  _

_ “I’m fed up of having to have this talk with you. You’re the smart one, little sis. You got the brains- gosh, and the beauty- but you don’t use either of them to your advantage. I’ve seen your sketches Jill, you have big ideas-“ _

_ “Ideas being the key word here, Soph. Ideas. Make believe. Not reality.” _

_ “Everything starts from an idea.” Jillian was too stubborn. She didn’t want to admit that her sister was right, so she shrugged it off and tried to call off the discussion. _

_ “I’m not leaving it here. You need to change your ways Jill or-“ _

_ “Or what, Soph? You’re going to leave me again? I’m pretty used to coping on my own now anyway.” Before she could stop the words from flowing out of her mouth, they were out. Sophia stared at her, speechless, trying exceedingly hard to stop the tears from falling. _

_ “You know that wasn’t my fault.” she said sternly, her voice weaker with every word.  _

_ “Forget it. I can’t do this today so I’m just gonna go.” Jillian walked past Sophia, not daring to look her in the eye. “See ya later Tiny Queen.” _

_ “See ya Auntie Jilly Bean.” _

_ After wasting hours and hours in the arcade, Jillian slinked back home before the guards caught her cheating at the slot machines. The old thread around the coin and pulling it back up trick always worked and meant she could spend an entire night having fun whilst costing her nothing. But the security guards would pick up on this soon and she’d have to move locations again.  _

_ It was 11:30pm, over an hour past her curfew. This ought to be good. _

_ She crept inside, closing the door as quietly as possible, and tiptoed stealthily past Marcus and Sophia’s room to her own bed. She began to get herself ready, proud of her successful sneakiness, when a gentle cough from behind caused her to jump with fright. _

_ “Soph- I know it’s late and” _

_ “It’s fine, Jill. You don’t have to explain yourself.” Sophia’s arms were folded, creating a crease in her oversized pyjamas. Jill sighed with relief, sitting down on her bed and patting the spot beside her, where Sophia then sat down.  _

_ “About earlier.” She began, her eyes directed at the floor. “I know it wasn’t your fault. It’s just,” she exhaled, “things have changed. You can’t deny it, and it’s not for the better. Soph you’ve seen what he’s like.” _

_ “I know, Jill, trust me I know. But he keeps the roof over our heads. And over Charlotte’s. And that’s what matters most to me.” _

_ “But we could do that. I can get a job and-“ _

_ “How can I rely on you to get a job and some income when you won’t even go to school?” Sophia frowned. “You’re so intelligent Jill, but you still have to work hard. You still have to turn up, get good grades, prepare yourself for what’s to come.” Jillian nodded along with what her sister was saying, part of her really wishing that none of what she was saying was true. But it was. It was so true. But Jillian was stubborn, and didn’t offer a reply. Instead, she changed the subject completely.  _

_ “I’m not sure if this is the right time to say this, well, I’m not even sure if there is ever going to be a right time...But here goes.” Jillian took a deep breath, Sophia’s eyebrows furrowing as she tilted her head, ready to listen carefully to what her sister was about to say.  _

_ “I’m gay, Soph. I like girls. A lot. Shit, a whole lot. Girls are so great. They’re so cute and smart and interesting. And oh god, they-“ Jillian abruptly stopped talking, realising that this was supposed to be an emotional and awkward moment, not one where she listed everything about every girl she had ever liked. It had been at least 30 seconds and Sophia hadn’t spoken.  _

_ “Aaaaaand I’ve made things worse. Was it the whole listing what I liked thing? Should I have just kept it to the simple ‘I’m gay’ thing and moved on?” she began to ramble but was stopped by Sophia’s arms wrapping around her. She relaxed her body and breathed heavily with relief, smiling at the signs of acceptance. This was a massive weight off of her shoulders. _

_ \----- _

“So that’s where a lot of the bullying came from. I was just the weird girl who liked girls and sketching crazy inventions. And it was shit; I imagine a very similar situation for you, ghost girl.” Erin nodded, remembering back to what it felt like when people would tease her at school. She felt so out of place, but right now, after hearing that Holtz also felt out of place, she felt even more proud of who she was today. Who Holtz was. She’d never felt less out of place. 

\------   
  
_ “G-gay? You have got to be kidding me.” Marcus laughed, almost choking on his mouthful of coffee. “This better be some sort of sick joke, Sophia.” _

_ Sophia shook her head, her feet tapping nervously on the floor. She glanced over at Charlotte who was entirely unaware of everything that was happening, flicking through one of her Auntie Jill’s sketchbooks. After a few minutes of silence, Sophia was forced to bring her eyes back up to meet Marcus’.  _

_ “It’s not a joke, Marc. But it doesn’t make a difference to us. I’ll tell her no girls allowed back until she gets her own place and-“ _

_ “You think that’s gonna make things better? She’s still going to be..a lesb- No. We cannot have this in our home. I refuse to bring my daughter up around one of..them.”  _

_ “They’re not a species Marc..And, she’s still my sister. I’m not best pleased with it, but that’s just who she is and neither of us can change that.”  _

_ “Oh, we’ll see about that.” he scoffed, drinking the rest of his coffee in one gulp. Sophia shivered even at the thought of what was coming next. “She’s out of here by tonight. No arguments.” _

_ “But Marcus, please-“ _

_ “Out. Or you will be too. And don’t even think that you’d be taking Charlotte with you,” he snarled. Sophia closed her eyes, the thought of kicking out her baby sister unbearable right now. She couldn’t believe that this was happening. _   
  


_ After yet another successful night at the arcade, Jillian came home well before curfew. She was in a much better mood after offloading the whole gay thing to her sister, the one person aside from Charlotte that she could trust, and felt that she could accept herself much more now. She opened the door, hoping that Charlotte would still be up so that she could read her a story before bed. They always ended up reading the same one- it was about space- before having a look through Jillian’s sketches and talking about the different inventions that they hoped they could build together one day. Jillian knew there wasn’t much hope for this, but the excited look on Charlie’s face made pretending worthwhile.  _

_ “What’s going on?” she questioned, looking at her backpack lying in the middle of the floor, Sophia and Marcus standing at either side of it. _

_ “Jill-“ _

_ “Sophia...Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like. Please.” Jillian could see Sophia welling up with tears, afraid to say a word out of turn. Marcus leant down and picked up the bag, throwing it at Jillian, who was lucky enough to have good reflexes and catch it before it smacked her in the face.  _

_ “We don’t house your kind.” _

_ “My what?” Jillian was confused, but then it clicked. “You told him?” Her eyes darted to Sophia, who was now looking at the floor. “I can’t believe this. I trusted you!” Jillian’s tone was filled with rage, her hands clinging tightly onto the straps of her bag. Her eyes filled with tears as she tried to contain her anger. Why would Sophia do this to her? Before she had the chance to say anything else, Marcus swerved around her, ensuring to avoid bumping into her as if he would catch four life threatening diseases just from accidental human contact with a homosexual. He opened the door, nodding towards it, waiting for her to leave.  _

_ “Don’t I even get to say goodbye?” she whimpered, her eyes now directed at Charlotte’s door. _

_ “Of course you ca-“ _

_ “No. Out. And don’t even think about contacting our family again.” Marcus cut off Sophia, his voice and actions showing no mercy. Jillian, weaker than ever, dragged herself out of the door, glancing back at Sophia one last time. Sophia watched as Marcus slammed the door, the vision of her baby sister slowly being wiped from her vision, but never from her memory.  _

\-----   
  


“They just...threw you out?” Erin gasped, watching as Holtz nodded. 

“Yup. And I didn’t have anyone else. They were my only family. I had to fend for myself from then on. On my ownio.” She clucked her tongue, her heart pounding against her chest as she thought back to the new chapter of struggles from her past.

\------   
  
  
_ Jillian stopped outside the window of the bakery and reached into her pocket, looking at the small amount of money she had earned today. Damn was she being underpaid. If she wasn’t so desperate, she’d tell her ridiculously obnoxious boss where to shove their shitty wage. But she needed it. Her blue eyes looked intensely at the small amount of coins, then to the cakes, then back to the money. Today was treat day. She needed it. So she stepped into the shop and looked around, her mouth watering just at the sight of everything. Beside her stood a young girl, so small that Jillian almost knocked her over whilst looking at the cakes. _

_ “Ah sorry young padawan.” She said, gushing at the little girl when she noticed was wearing a Star Wars backpack. The little girl blushed, looking back at her in awe. She reminded Jillian of herself when she was that age, back when she didn’t have a care in the world. _

_ “I’ll have a double chocolate cookie please.” Jillian said, the server nodding and grabbing a bag.  _

_ “OI. Get out of that shop now! Or I’ll leave you there, don’t tempt me! And what have I told you about wearing that stupid backpack in public? You’re not a boy.” A middle-aged woman had peeked her head in the door, her cold and rugged voice shouting at the young girl who Jillian now assumed was her daughter. The girl’s expression went from awe, to disappointment, to fear within a few seconds.  Jillian mimicked the frown, the aggression in the woman’s voice ringing through her ears. That did not sound like a healthy family relationship, and sounded far too familiar for Jillian. _

_ Jillian handed over the money- which happened to be a reasonable fraction of what she had made today- and took the cookie, with a soft ‘thanks’. She shoved the small handful of change back into her pocket- she’d probably need it for food tomorrow. The young girl was now at the door, reaching for the handle but barely lifting her head from looking at the floor, a rather large label with the word ‘Jenna’ written messily on it hanging from her school bag, seeming to be weighing her down. Jillian stretched out and pulled the door open for the girl, who looked up and forced a smile as a thank you.  _

_ “Hey Jenna.” Jillian said, the girl turning round in shock that she knew her name. Or even bothered to refer to her by it.  _

_ “Keep kicking ass-“ The girl’s eyes widened. “I mean, keep fighting. You’re awesome. May the force be with you.” She said, leaning down to make herself the same height as Jenna, before handing her the cookie. She explained that she needed sugar strength for her jedi powers, whilst ruffling the top of her brown hair as the girl giggled. Jenna was amazed at this act of kindness, and before Holtz even had the chance to process the reaction, she had wrapped her small arms around  Jillian’s neck. Holtz felt a strong surge of both sadness and comfort at the familiarity of the hug from a young child, triggering memories from when she used to look after Charlie. At first, she wasn’t sure how to react to the simple form of endearment. Being appreciated wasn’t something that Jillian was used to these days. However, she hugged her back before telling her to run along to catch up with her mom, who had kept her promise and was leaving without Jenna- in fact she was almost out of sight. Jenna nodded and ran along the road, desperately trying to shove the cookie into her backpack whilst keeping an eye on her mother’s whereabouts. Jillian stood and watched until the girl had found her mother, before turning and heading in the opposite direction.  _

_ She reached the street corner where her home was. Kicking a box out of the way as she walked, she had a quick look in the trashcan on the way by, hoping to find an unopened sandwich or bottle of water. No luck. Giving up quickly, she sat down and snuggled herself under a couple of cardboard boxes that she had left under shelter this morning. They were a bit worn from use, but they did the trick. Shuffling her bum back so she was leaning against the wall, she looked into the sky and hoped that darkness would fall soon so that she could see the stars. That was her favourite part of each day- stargazing. Wondering what else was up there. Who else was up there. She rummaged in her bag and found the science book she had found a few months back, and began scanning the pages for about the hundredth time this week, still just as interested as ever. Before she knew it, it was dark and the streets had died down, giving her peace and quiet to look at the constellations and match them to ones in her book. The only noise that occurred was the occasional wild dog barking, or her stomach rumbling. Jillian eventually slid the book back into her bag and lay down, using the bag as a pillow. Her eyes were fixed on the brightest star in the sky as she let out a painful sigh. She grasped at her tummy as it let out a blood curdling roar, but she was soon fast asleep and was oblivious to her extreme hunger.  _

\-----

_ " _ You- you were...homeless? Holtz I can't believe this."

"Please, don't judge me Er-"

"Judge you? Holtz, I'm amazed by you. You've battled through so much, yet here you are, one of the bravest and strongest women I have ever met."

"Strongest," Holtz scoffed, "that's a joke. Look at me Er I'm a mess." Holtz wiped away the tears that were lingering at the bottom of her eyes and shook her head, trying to laugh off the comment, unable to convince herself that it was true.

"Are you kidding me?! Holtzmann. You build incredible weapons, and kick-ass multiple times a week as if it's nothing to you. When I watch you during a bust, you-"

"You watch me, huh?" Holtz smiled smugly as Erin began to blush, but continued anyway.

"When I watch you during a bust,” she smirked, “you just get on with it as if there’s no effort involved. As if you could do it with your eyes closed."

"Hmm, that is a good idea Erin. Sounds challenging, I like it." The corners of Erin's mouth upturned into a smile, as she raised her eyebrows and shook her head in disbelief. Even when Holtzmann was having a hard time, she still managed to make Erin laugh. She really was special. 

"Sorry I know I shouldn't be joking right now, I learned to use humour when stuff got tense, it's just how I deal with things now." Holtz’s voice was soft again. 

Holtzmann's eyes were helplessly scanning the room for something to focus on other than Erin, because she knew that if she looked Erin in the eye right now, she would be a mess. And she needed to hold it together. She couldn't be that girl again.  

It was like paper cuts. Tiny, but painful. Every little thing that Holtz spoke about was another paper cut to Erin's already bleeding heart. Erin didn't know what to say. She didn't know what she could say to make anything better. 

As if to read her mind, Holtz spoke again, avoiding eye contact.

"You don't have to say anything Er. I'm sorry I had to go so deep into it, but just you listening to me talk has been helpful. I've never told anyone about any of this before, not even Abby. But I'm glad I told you. I made the right choice." She eventually built up the courage to meet Erin's eyes. They looked like dams that were about to open, the power and volume of water pushing to break down the walls. She was evidently fighting the tears, trying to stay strong for Holtz.

"I-I'm so sorry Holtzmann." Finally, Erin managed to form a sentence after a few moments of complete silence. Her eyes were still twitching, trying to contain the tears, but one slipped through the net. And another. And another.

Holtz slid her body across the floor towards Erin, putting an arm around her neck and cuddling into her as Erin let the dam walls down. 

"I shouldn't be the one crying, I have no excuse!" she whispered between gasps. 

"Er, if there's one thing I've learned over the years- other than the fact that bees don’t have lungs and instead just bounce up and down allowing oxygen to travel into their bodies-" Erin exhaled a laugh as Holtz smiled at her, before her expression turned serious again. 

"...it's that, you never need a reason to cry." 

Holtz's voice didn't break. It didn't falter. It was strong- just like Jillian Holtzmann.

**Author's Note:**

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